Body
(2021)

Self-portraiture is very important to me. Being in front of the camera and being in control of what is seen and how it looks is easiest for me when I create work. But the challenge that comes along with that is having to look at myself afterwards. I carry so much judgement and discomfort with how my body looks. Much of that stems from growing up and hearing my family members talk about how they hated their bodies, it also comes from my struggles with an eating disorder that I have dealt with for the past five years. To combat my discomfort with myself, I need to face my insecurities straight on and understand that my body should not be a source of shame, no matter what it looks like. So, I created this series called “Body,” which consists of pairs of photos that show the contrast of acceptance and discomfort with certain parts of my form. In one image, I will show myself relaxed while highlighting a feature, and in the other I will be pulling or maneuvering it in a way to express how I feel towards it. I created it with a 4x5 view camera. That way I couldn’t easily retake an image, I had to take the time to be aware of myself and be ok with not knowing how I looked in the moment. Putting myself and parts of me that are so vulnerable out there forced me to face reality and see what I truly look like. And while I don’t love it, I feel better than I did before. And slowly, as I continue to make self-portraiture, this will become less and less of a burden in my mind.